Eat, Pray, Heal

One of the main reasons I love to travel is to immerse myself in other cultures and other environments. It's a reminder of how vast the world really is and how small and insignificant I am, which ultimately leads me to live more boldly and in the present. That may sound counterintuitive, but every time I travel, I'm reminded that the world is so much bigger than me and my own little problems. I'm just a speck of dust compared to all that's going on in the world. This helps me to live more freely! Connecting with others and hearing their stories, learning more about worlds beyond my own help me to get out of my own head and see the bigger picture. We're a vast and interconnected species on a giant planet that's part of a huge and interconnected universe - what a privilege it is to be alive!

After losing my dad in 2017, I'm starting to see the parallels between my love for travel and my grief and healing journey. If I'm honest, during the first couple years of my grief, I was truly in such a myopic place that it was the exact opposite of what I just mentioned. I couldn't see past my own pain, darkness and sadness I was swimming in. My world felt so tiny and I could barely see right in front of me. I was just trying to survive. But as I started to tell my story of loss, I realized we live in an interconnected universe of loss as well. Grief and sadness are a universal truth and experience we will all face at some point in this life and I've found community and healing in sharing my story. So just like travel changes me through the people I meet and hearing their life experiences, I'm changed by each story of loss that is shared with me as I share my own personal loss journey.

Most people travel to locations like Bali, India, Costa Rica or Nepal for healing yoga retreats, exposure to nature, or spiritual experiences when they’re trying to heal from personal loss. Not me, I went to Rome. Which is an even more interesting choice, as Rome wasn’t very good to me my first time there. It was where I got the news that my dad had died suddenly. And at a wedding, of all places, is where I learned of this news. Joy quickly turned to sorrow. I went from drinking and dancing the night away to wailing and crying uncontrollably. It was a literal life changing trip for me. I decided Rome did not love me and I did not love it back.

That’s why I went back 7 years later - I needed a redo with the Eternal City. Which is such an ironic name of a city where my life was eternally changed, and where I found out my father quite literally became eternal. I decided I needed to reframe this city in my mind. I couldn’t let an iconic city like Rome live rent free in my head in such a negative way. It would always be the place I got the news of my dad’s death, but I didn’t want it to only represent that for me. So, when the same friend who was getting married when I found out this horrible news invited me for a trip for her 40^th birthday, I was in. The sad irony is that she had also lost her dad a few years beforehand. This is something that would immediately connect us once she heard the news. We would often then talk about our dads, how there were parallels (her dad was dying around my own wedding date years prior), and connect over our losses. She was very gracious in really getting the secondary meaning behind this trip for me, given the trip was really for her, but she also understood what was in it for my own healing.

My first meal in Rome was pizza of course

So I found myself in Rome again 7 years later after that first trip. I stayed in the same neighborhood as we had the first time, in Trastevere. Some of the birthday festivities were right there in Trastevere and a few others were a short distance across the river near Piazza Navona, so I was centrally located for the birthday happenings. I also wanted a chance to walk around the same neighborhood in which I found out the news about my dad so I could rewire it in my brain. I wasn't sure if this would be a triggering or healing experience, but it turned out to be the latter thankfully. I think if I had done this in the first few years after his passing, it may have been more difficult, but enough time has passed (and enough therapy ha) that I had a new perspective in which to do so. It also didn't hurt that I stayed at the cutest Airbnb and my host had amazing recommendations for me to check out as I wandered around - I definitely recommend her place if you go!

This was also my first solo international trip and since I was in search of healing, I think going it alone was the right choice. Yes, I was meeting up with friends at various points, but exploring the city on my own with different eyes from almost 7 years ago was very therapeutic. That's literally all I did outside of the birthday festivities - just wandered the streets of Rome and got lost in the winding cobblestone alleyways. Trastevere is especially known for it's quaint and romantic streets, as you can see below. Time alone is very healing for me so it was lovely to just roam uninterrupted. Yes, roaming in Rome, pun intended. To me, walking in a city to see the sights is almost like a walking meditation or a walking prayer. I get lost in my thoughts as I get lost in the city streets.

Trastevere

I stumbled upon the square in which we stayed on our first trip (Piazza Trilussa) and walked right by the entrance to our Airbnb then - the place where I found out the news about my dad's passing. I wasn't necessarily searching this out, but I knew the second I saw it what is was. It's a place that will be forever emblazoned in my mind. Obviously, I couldn't go into the Airbnb, but the memory of that night came rushing back as soon as I saw the gates to the entrance of the building. I actually remember running through those gates into the street when I heard the news, not even sure where I was going, but I just had an instinct to get fresh air. It's so wild how the body responds to tragic news. What's funny is that running, specifically running outside to feel the air in my lungs, became a big coping mechanism for me.

The front door to the building where I got the news about my dad

I also found the restaurant that was the last place I texted with my dad the day before he died, Bacco in Trastevere. He was watching our dogs during our trip and had sent me pictures of them while he was working. We had just come from the Vatican that morning and in true fashion, he was joking with me about how he was surprised they let me in and the church didn't spontaneously combust. So I decided to take myself to lunch at that same restaurant, sitting outside like I had almost 7 years before. I honestly had no idea if any of the places from my firs trip would still be open after so long, and after the pandemic, so it was nice to see this place still kicking. I ordered the Cacio e Pepe just like I had the first time around. It was just as delicious this time. I spent lunch thinking about my dad and meditating on all that's happened in the past 7 years and all he's missed. If only I had known that would be the last time I would text him...

Cacio e Pepe at the last place I communicated with my dad

Anyway, since a celebration was the reason for my first trip to Rome, it was wonderful to be back for another celebration. It was nice to have fun in a place that had brought me such sadness the first time around. Well, technically, the wedding the first time around was incredibly fun and we had an amazing time, so we had a a lot of fun until we got the bad news. Things turned for the worst very quickly that night. But this time around, going for a milestone birthday felt like the right thing to do to celebrate the life of such a vibrant, amazing person in a place I associate with another life ending. And I believe good people know good people and my friend Emna sure has an amazing group of friends. This trip was truly made by meeting her people! As I mentioned previously, the main reason I love to travel is to meet new people, learn about other cultures, hear other people's stories and boy, did I do that on this trip! I met people from Canada, Norway, Morocco, France, Peru, the Middle East and some from right there in Rome. Everyone was beyond kind and so easy to talk to - I made new friends right there on the spot! Through one of these new friends on this trip, I even connected over personal stories of grief with a woman who just moved to the States not far from me in FL. It just reminded me again how we're all connected through the universal experience of loss as humans. The juxtaposition of mourning and joy on this trip was not lost on me. We truly cannot feel one without the other. Celebration in the face of grief, joy and happiness in the face of sorrow. We cannot explore the light without the shadow sides of this beautiful life. How wonderful it is to be able to experience them all at once in this human experience. How will you embrace both joy and sorrow, lightness and darkness, beauty and pain all at once in this one precious life we've been given?